FFY

In my childhood, we would occasionally have “Fend For Yourself” nights. These were evenings where you were left to your own devices to slap together some leftovers. It basically meant Mom was too tired to cook, we had leftovers we needed to get rid of, and we weren’t going to spend money by eating out.

I’ve come to a realization that I’ve put my spiritual life on a Fend For Yourself status. This didn’t happen overnight but is rather the result of drifting, bit by bit, from what is supposed to be my main focus in life. I keep trying to figure out why I get so frustrated, discontent, and restless. The answer has been in front of me the whole time. This isn’t the first time I’ve realized this, but previous attempts to get my spiritual life back on track seem to get derailed by my own wants and desires.

And therein lies the problem. When my pursuit of God is left to the whims and constantly changing wants of me, then I’m left with FFY spirituality, so to speak. I’m giving God the leftovers of my life.

So today I packed up my Bible and a notebook and on my lunch break sought out the quietest place I know nearby – the library. I found my old study notes on the book of Matthew and picked up again where I left off. I’ll confess that I didn’t feel like it. My job consists of writing and researching all day long, so lunch is usually my time to not think too hard about anything.

But today I discovered a different kind of thinking hard. The kind of thinking that is basically God saying, “Quit striving and struggling. Listen to what I have to say.” I can’t say I walked out of the library with any great spiritual awakening. But I felt like I made a baby step towards something better in my life.