Of fishes and online dating...
If my 33-year-old self could go back in time and tell my 23-year-old self that 10 years later she would still be single, I think the 23-year-old would have curled up and died right then. Just laid down and tucked a throw rug around her body. Because the thought of being single for 10 more years would have just been too exhausting to contemplate.
Yet 10 years happen one day at a time, and I think I've weathered them fairly well. I certainly feel that I can speak with some, ahem, authority, now on the perspective, trials, and tribulations of a single woman.
And one thing I have to say is this - dating at 23 and dating at 33 sure ain't the same. For one thing, the fish in the barrel have really changed. Many of them have spent time out of the barrel and have now been released back into it. They bear the scars of what happened in the world outside. Some of them are innocent; some of them are not. Many of them have children that will always keep them connected to someone they would rather not be connected with. It makes dating them a delicate matter at times.
Then there are those who have been swimming around for so long they no longer care to try to remain at the top of the barrel and have sort of sunk to the bottom of it, never really seeing any sunlight up there. Talking to them gets so discouraging after a while I just give up.
But enough of fish and barrel's because now, my friends, we have online dating. Yes, the medium our mother's would never have predicted is now the de riguer of many a single person's dating life. In the beginning (like, at 23) when the dating world was not so much a barrel as more of the whole wide ocean, I scorned such services as being for the desperate, needy, or people I just didn't want to think about.
I hate to think I am one now, but when you aren't really a clubber or partyer or night-lifer, when your main place to meet someone turns out to be at church, well, you tend to consider online dating. I mean, it's fairly popular now. I'm assaulted by eHarmony and Match.com offers on a regular basis. However, by stint of luck, I managed to get hooked in to two Church of Christ singles sites for free while they were beta testing them. So I'm sort of grandfathered in to not paying for them.
And how has my experience been? Well, it obviously has not been successful for me thus far, but I do know of a few people who have met and married their mate from the sites. Granted, I do not hang out in their chat rooms or on their message boards, so perhaps I'm not really "working it." (I secretly worry that I am a lazy single person.) But after a few years I have been able to group the guys who send me e-mails into a few categories. I offer them here for your information:
1. The truly odd. This includes the guy who proposed marriage in the first e-mail and wanted me to move with him to take care of his family in Kenya (Flattering, but no thanks.), to the fella who told me he was heavily involved in church work because he rang the buzzer to signal when Sunday School ended.
2. The everything-at-oncers. These are the ones whose initial e-mail is, in itself, a novella. They try to cram all the information about themselves that they possibly can into the first message so they can get to know you quickly. They basically send you their Manifesto on life. A little intimidating all at once.
3. The non-responders. The ones who seem nice, have a nice profile, and send you an e-mail. You respond once and then ... never hear from them again. Was it something I wrote? hmmm...
4. The separated-but-still-marrieds. You'd think on a Christian site you wouldn't really get these but you do. You exchange a few e-mails and then one time they slip in the little, "I should probably tell you this; I feel like I need to be completely honest with you ... I'm not yet quite divorced." To me, that's like being a little pregnant. You are or you aren't. And if you are, you aren't for me.
5. The need-money-now'ers. I had one ask me if I was a trust-fund baby. ??? Sheesh, even if I was, would I tell you, a total stranger?
6. The I-never-read-your-profile-but-liked-your-picture. I'm always amazed at the guys who obviously never read anything about my profile. They turn out to be either extremely liberal in their church views - like they put down that they don't attend at all, really, to the one's who are so fundamentally legalistic they shock even me. And I consider myself to be fairly conservative.
7. The i-can't-be-bothered-with-punctuation-guys. i find nuthin attracktive abot riting lik this, do u? I was an English major. Call me picky, but I just can't have e-mail conversations where I have to fight a continual urge to edit, edit, edit....
And finally, the one's (whom I can count on one hand), where I have exchanged many e-mails, phone calls, text messages, etc., but it just didn't work out for some reason or another. They keep life interesting, for sure.
I try to think what my 23-year-old self would have said if I had been able to tell her about online dating. Probably something like, "I don't understand this Internet thingy."
Yet 10 years happen one day at a time, and I think I've weathered them fairly well. I certainly feel that I can speak with some, ahem, authority, now on the perspective, trials, and tribulations of a single woman.
And one thing I have to say is this - dating at 23 and dating at 33 sure ain't the same. For one thing, the fish in the barrel have really changed. Many of them have spent time out of the barrel and have now been released back into it. They bear the scars of what happened in the world outside. Some of them are innocent; some of them are not. Many of them have children that will always keep them connected to someone they would rather not be connected with. It makes dating them a delicate matter at times.
Then there are those who have been swimming around for so long they no longer care to try to remain at the top of the barrel and have sort of sunk to the bottom of it, never really seeing any sunlight up there. Talking to them gets so discouraging after a while I just give up.
But enough of fish and barrel's because now, my friends, we have online dating. Yes, the medium our mother's would never have predicted is now the de riguer of many a single person's dating life. In the beginning (like, at 23) when the dating world was not so much a barrel as more of the whole wide ocean, I scorned such services as being for the desperate, needy, or people I just didn't want to think about.
I hate to think I am one now, but when you aren't really a clubber or partyer or night-lifer, when your main place to meet someone turns out to be at church, well, you tend to consider online dating. I mean, it's fairly popular now. I'm assaulted by eHarmony and Match.com offers on a regular basis. However, by stint of luck, I managed to get hooked in to two Church of Christ singles sites for free while they were beta testing them. So I'm sort of grandfathered in to not paying for them.
And how has my experience been? Well, it obviously has not been successful for me thus far, but I do know of a few people who have met and married their mate from the sites. Granted, I do not hang out in their chat rooms or on their message boards, so perhaps I'm not really "working it." (I secretly worry that I am a lazy single person.) But after a few years I have been able to group the guys who send me e-mails into a few categories. I offer them here for your information:
1. The truly odd. This includes the guy who proposed marriage in the first e-mail and wanted me to move with him to take care of his family in Kenya (Flattering, but no thanks.), to the fella who told me he was heavily involved in church work because he rang the buzzer to signal when Sunday School ended.
2. The everything-at-oncers. These are the ones whose initial e-mail is, in itself, a novella. They try to cram all the information about themselves that they possibly can into the first message so they can get to know you quickly. They basically send you their Manifesto on life. A little intimidating all at once.
3. The non-responders. The ones who seem nice, have a nice profile, and send you an e-mail. You respond once and then ... never hear from them again. Was it something I wrote? hmmm...
4. The separated-but-still-marrieds. You'd think on a Christian site you wouldn't really get these but you do. You exchange a few e-mails and then one time they slip in the little, "I should probably tell you this; I feel like I need to be completely honest with you ... I'm not yet quite divorced." To me, that's like being a little pregnant. You are or you aren't. And if you are, you aren't for me.
5. The need-money-now'ers. I had one ask me if I was a trust-fund baby. ??? Sheesh, even if I was, would I tell you, a total stranger?
6. The I-never-read-your-profile-but-liked-your-picture. I'm always amazed at the guys who obviously never read anything about my profile. They turn out to be either extremely liberal in their church views - like they put down that they don't attend at all, really, to the one's who are so fundamentally legalistic they shock even me. And I consider myself to be fairly conservative.
7. The i-can't-be-bothered-with-punctuation-guys. i find nuthin attracktive abot riting lik this, do u? I was an English major. Call me picky, but I just can't have e-mail conversations where I have to fight a continual urge to edit, edit, edit....
And finally, the one's (whom I can count on one hand), where I have exchanged many e-mails, phone calls, text messages, etc., but it just didn't work out for some reason or another. They keep life interesting, for sure.
I try to think what my 23-year-old self would have said if I had been able to tell her about online dating. Probably something like, "I don't understand this Internet thingy."
posted by Lisa | 12:01 PM
5 Comments:
Loved your post today!! :) I hate to tell you this, but it's worse when you're 42 and still dealing with the same types of people!!
Good luck!!
Awesome post, girl! You had me giggling at the "fish in a barrel" analogy, and then the list of prospective fish almost sent me over the edge!
This might sound weird, but every time I see one of those eharmony commercials, I feel a little sad that they weren't around when I was in the dating game. Don't get me wrong--I'm totally thrilled with the fish on my line and definitely have no interest in throwing him back--but it sounds like a fun adventure to meet someone based solely on their answers to a personality profile.
Of course, I'm one of those wackos that actually enjoyed first dates and being fixed up by friends.
I think I may snorted coffee out my nose at the Sunday school buzzer guy & the "little pregnant" comment.:)
Sounds very interesting & yet very intimidating. At least this way, there's no making excuses to leave etc. You just don't email back.:)lol
Don't let any of them know you own a house-it may turn out worse than the Kenya deal.;)
Thank you for your kind comments. I have to say that in my experience it is more frustrating than anything else. It's hard to get the measure of a man through e-mail. I kind of wish each one also came with references or something.... Or even an audio file of his voice. Hmmmm.
Great, post! I chuckled, and identified, way too much. :) I did the online dating thing 10 years ago or so and it really didn't work for me. I dating a few guys, but then it ended. Long tales for another time...but, a good friend said he'd pay for my eharmony account about 3 years ago if I'd jump back in. I did and it was even worse. I have probably gotten 10 matches in 3 years. Thankfully once his paid gift ended, my profile stays up for free. I'm the eharmony poster child...no wonder I'm single, I match with so few. ;)
As lawyerchik said, wait until you are 40...the barrel gets more fishy...
Don't be frustrated though. I realized that once I quit putting all that energy into an online relationship that had me staring at computer screens chatting all night, or raising my long distance phone bill for talking all night, I was able to get involved in ministry more. Now, it didn't "poof" me a husband, but if I meet someone now, he'll cross my path and it'll be natural. If not, then I'll be content with God's Plan.
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