You're Flirting with Time, Maybe
Last night I rocked a tiny baby in my arms. She was only 12 hours old and had a darling little white bow affixed to her head. Her mass of dark hair had been fluffed into an inexplicable yet adorable little mohawk a la Maddox Jolie.
I had been cold all day, so the baby pretty much functioned as a portable heater. I wondered, briefly, if this was selfish use of my baby-holding time, but the warmth was so lovely I pushed that thought aside.
I looked down at her sweet little face and, with trepidation, waited to see what my reaction would be. Would I hear it? That tick-tock-ticking of a biological clock everyone warns me about? Would I be awash in urges to have babies, hold babies, and spend countless hours in Gymboree and The Children’s Place? After all, in the past few months I have accompanied friends to countless Motherhood Maternity stores, stocked up on baby gifts at the Carter’s outlet, and even planned a baby shower with carefully selected baby décor that’s not pink (as mandated by the soon-to-be Mom).
So I’ve kind of been expecting it – the worry, the fear, the anxiety that perhaps my small window of child-bearing years is slipping through my hands.
But it hasn’t happened. And I wonder if I should be worried about that. I think kids are great. Some are better than others. I don’t go crazy over them like some of the women I know do. Well, there’s one in my life that’s such a smiler I can’t help but be a little stupid around him, but there are no massive maternal urges to pick these children up and spirit them away to my home.
I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s just a question that bobs up here and there. Should I be worried that I’m not worried? Or am I, once again, trying to judge myself against a standard of what and where I’m supposed to be in life?
I had been cold all day, so the baby pretty much functioned as a portable heater. I wondered, briefly, if this was selfish use of my baby-holding time, but the warmth was so lovely I pushed that thought aside.
I looked down at her sweet little face and, with trepidation, waited to see what my reaction would be. Would I hear it? That tick-tock-ticking of a biological clock everyone warns me about? Would I be awash in urges to have babies, hold babies, and spend countless hours in Gymboree and The Children’s Place? After all, in the past few months I have accompanied friends to countless Motherhood Maternity stores, stocked up on baby gifts at the Carter’s outlet, and even planned a baby shower with carefully selected baby décor that’s not pink (as mandated by the soon-to-be Mom).
So I’ve kind of been expecting it – the worry, the fear, the anxiety that perhaps my small window of child-bearing years is slipping through my hands.
But it hasn’t happened. And I wonder if I should be worried about that. I think kids are great. Some are better than others. I don’t go crazy over them like some of the women I know do. Well, there’s one in my life that’s such a smiler I can’t help but be a little stupid around him, but there are no massive maternal urges to pick these children up and spirit them away to my home.
I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s just a question that bobs up here and there. Should I be worried that I’m not worried? Or am I, once again, trying to judge myself against a standard of what and where I’m supposed to be in life?
posted by Lisa | 8:02 AM
5 Comments:
My take is, don't worry about it. I wondered the same thing, and I realized that, while I would have loved to have children and would have made a great mother, God didn't let me miss out on being with children and taking care of them. I have some great memories of spending quality time with little ones, and none of them stay little forever, so I'm very lucky.
It's like Corrie Ten Boom's father told her: you get the grace you need for what you need when you need it. You get your ticket when it's time to get on the train.
Thanks, Lawyerchik - I appreciate that insight!
Oh I agree!! Why should you worry yourself that you're not worried?! You are at peace with yourself and your life - that is what we all strive for!!
I always liked kids-babies especially. Knew I wanted to have children. I wanted to wait, God didn't.:) I thought 2 was a good compromise between me being an only child & Matt being the oldest of three. I thought an odd number wasn't "fair" to kids. We now have #3 son about to turn 1 yr old.
I had NO idea how unselfish someone can be until I had a baby. You think you know devotion until you hold your own child, adopted or birthed-doesn't matter. THAT love is special & will change you & soften your heart in ways we don't let other things do.
I personally think there's two types of "mama's". There are those obvious ones that hear the clock ticking away. I think you're in the other camp. The one where you don't know how much you want one, until you feel you might not be able to. Do you know what I mean?
Just my opinion, I'm sure I'll eat my words one day.:)LOL
I really appreciate you all's comments, and I need to especially hang on to what you pointed out, Amy, in that I am pretty peaceful right now. I just worry that I'm not at the correct stage or whatever for this age in my life.
And Jules, you are probably right. My mother told me that she really didn't get into babies until she had her first one. She's still not crazy about everyone else's babies, but that woman is 200% devoted to her own kids! :)
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