Mute
Lately, it seems as if several of my close friends are coming in at the top of the life-altering stressors chart. Death, disease, health problems – things aren’t going well in their worlds.
I want to help. I want beautifully crafted words of comfort and support to fall from my lips (or flow from my typing fingers), yet I’m paralyzed with worry that I’ll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.
What do I say to the friend who is watching a family member die from cancer?
What do I say to the friend who miscarried? Who struggles with infertility?
Any helpful advice?
I want to help. I want beautifully crafted words of comfort and support to fall from my lips (or flow from my typing fingers), yet I’m paralyzed with worry that I’ll say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing.
What do I say to the friend who is watching a family member die from cancer?
What do I say to the friend who miscarried? Who struggles with infertility?
Any helpful advice?
posted by Lisa | 1:28 PM
6 Comments:
Wow! That's a lot coming all at once. I've found that someone saying "I don't know what to say, but how are you doing, really?" coupled with a hug (or food - casseroles are good comfort food) works OK.
Sometimes, it's even hard to hear "I know how you feel" in a situation like that. Listening is the biggest thing - listening and letting people talk about whatever it is, if that's what they want to do. Some people don't want to talk; others feel as if no one will let them talk about it, so it depends.
That's very kind and compassionate of you to be concerned about how your efforts will be received - I've seen people who want to do something so badly that their sensitivity meter seems to be shut off...
Good luck!
lawyerchik- Well said! Thanks for your input. It definitely helps.
I agree with LawyerChick. Asking how someone genuinely is & really caring to listen. And sometimes an email where you can pour out real feelings rather than a quick phone call in the middle of their chaos is better. But it's best to do both. I've found sometimes the best friend in a situation like that is the one that you can just be quiet with.:) Hope that helps.
As someone who's been thru the illness, the sudden death, etc, I say-- face the issue squarely ask how the person is doing in a way that lets them know you know what's going on, and gives them an opportunity to talk about it if they want to. You'd be amazed how many almost strangers I poured out my feelings to!
And I hated it when people tried to cover it up with platitudes-- God must have His reasons, she's gone to a better place, etc. Great- what about me?
Far better is: I can't imagine what you;re goig thru but I'd love to do anything to help.
Then suggest something concrete and FOLLOW THRU - come over and do laundry, bring a meal, drive the kids, take me to therapy, whatever. Lawyerchick is right on the money!!
One thing I've started doing is asking if the family has a favorite recipe of their OWN they'd like me to make for them so it's not strange food for the kids.
Anne - I really appreciate your comment. Sometimes I'm so afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing that I don't say anything at all. Thanks for that perspective.
Anne said it best of all. Leave the cliches at home and talk openly. Don't be afraid to ask questions, it shows that you really care and aren't looking for a quick, simple honest like, "I'm fine."
I also agree that actions speak volumes during tough times. Simple little things seem like mountains - just having a friend come over with a bag of groceries is a HUGE pick me up.
I came here by way of Katrina (and that you're doing NaNo) and I can tell by this particular post what a caring, thoughtful, generous soul you are. I'll certainly be back.
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